The Darkest Days
March 18, 2009
The best thing about losing your mind,is you're the only one that doesn't know you've lost it!And the best thing about that is,you don't care.
The most I can tell you about my final experience with 5FU chemo therapy is that I was flipped out and hardly recall a thing.What I can tell you for sure is the fact that after the first few days on it,I got wound up so tight,I didn't sleep more than 2-3 hours a day.The rest of the time I spent in the Internet saying Lord knows what,or screaming,cussing and threatening my best friend in the world-my wife.It was harder on her than it was on me!
Soon after I started the treatments,I began reaching out to others for financial help.I got a few hefty financial gifts from my family,but after a rift which I had started years before unrelated to this,they basically cut me off and discontinued any correspondence.
A year or so later,I would reflect that it reminded me of the story of Jesus when the Pharisee Soldiers came to the Garden of Gethsemanee to arrest Him and all of his friends fled,so His fate wouldn't befall them.He must have felt abandoned.That is how I felt.
Crazy thing is,those who I expected would help me most,both financially and spiritually let me down the most.Those who came to my aid were for the most part complete strangers that I had conversed with on the Wilmington Star News forums for a few short months.
I didn't know any of these people,as we all knew each other only by screen names and the idea swapping and arguing we had done on the forum.It started when a handful gave me a Birthday party in March in my former church's hall.Only 2-3 showed up,but they made my year with substantial gifts,and a gigantic BD cake which kept me alive for a few days.Then over the next several months,financial gifts began showing up in my mail box.
One person ket telling me on the forum that they wanted to help.It was like they had some urgency to help me along-and they didn't know me from Adam.Anyhow I gave them my address and son a fat check arrived.Another sent me a fat check so I could remain on the Internet and the forums.
Then thru much of the summer and fall,one person who I grew up with kept paying my electric bills.So basically we never lacked anything,although it was often push come to shove.
So after the 12-15 weeks of Hell I created for my wife,my run with 5FU came to an end.Then all I had to do was regain the 30 or so pounds I had lost and prove to the surgeon(Kotwal) that I would not die on his table.But as I usually do,I recovered fast and a month before surgery I even got a small job cleaning up a house and yard for a lady,Three days before surgey I mowed a half acre of lawn with a push power mower in 90 degree heat.He said I was lucky I didn't die of heat stroke.
My day of surgery was surreal to me.In the first place I was to call in the night before for confirmation of the details.I forgot to call until a half hour late,and the girl told me she was just getting ready to call me.She told me I was to be at the Surgical Pavillion at 0530.I had thought it was 0730.I almost missed the party!
At this point I still had not decided I would actually go thru with it.I had halfway made up my mind and didn't care how it went either way.Surviving or dying,really didn't matter.At this point in life,I felt as if I had little to look forward too except a hard struggle to survive if I lived,and Paradise if I died.Believe me,I am ready for Paradise.But as my best friend would later say -"God ain't thru with you yet!"
At 4AM my wife, me and my love,Chloe-my picky Peke,left home and drove the forty miles to the hospital.I got there about five and told my wife to go home before the traffic started.I wanted her at home safe before I went into Lala Land!
At about 0630 they called me to the prep room.After changing into one of those beautiful hospital gowns with designer socks,several anesthesiologists started coming in to tell me how well they were gonna take care of me.One of the interns told me he was gonna give me a little relaxer.That was it.I don't remember leaving that room.About 17hours later I was on the phone with my wife.I don't have a clue what I told her.
Twelve days later I told Kotwal I couldn't stay another night and he agreed.
The most I can tell you about my final experience with 5FU chemo therapy is that I was flipped out and hardly recall a thing.What I can tell you for sure is the fact that after the first few days on it,I got wound up so tight,I didn't sleep more than 2-3 hours a day.The rest of the time I spent in the Internet saying Lord knows what,or screaming,cussing and threatening my best friend in the world-my wife.It was harder on her than it was on me!
Soon after I started the treatments,I began reaching out to others for financial help.I got a few hefty financial gifts from my family,but after a rift which I had started years before unrelated to this,they basically cut me off and discontinued any correspondence.
A year or so later,I would reflect that it reminded me of the story of Jesus when the Pharisee Soldiers came to the Garden of Gethsemanee to arrest Him and all of his friends fled,so His fate wouldn't befall them.He must have felt abandoned.That is how I felt.
Crazy thing is,those who I expected would help me most,both financially and spiritually let me down the most.Those who came to my aid were for the most part complete strangers that I had conversed with on the Wilmington Star News forums for a few short months.
I didn't know any of these people,as we all knew each other only by screen names and the idea swapping and arguing we had done on the forum.It started when a handful gave me a Birthday party in March in my former church's hall.Only 2-3 showed up,but they made my year with substantial gifts,and a gigantic BD cake which kept me alive for a few days.Then over the next several months,financial gifts began showing up in my mail box.
One person ket telling me on the forum that they wanted to help.It was like they had some urgency to help me along-and they didn't know me from Adam.Anyhow I gave them my address and son a fat check arrived.Another sent me a fat check so I could remain on the Internet and the forums.
Then thru much of the summer and fall,one person who I grew up with kept paying my electric bills.So basically we never lacked anything,although it was often push come to shove.
So after the 12-15 weeks of Hell I created for my wife,my run with 5FU came to an end.Then all I had to do was regain the 30 or so pounds I had lost and prove to the surgeon(Kotwal) that I would not die on his table.But as I usually do,I recovered fast and a month before surgery I even got a small job cleaning up a house and yard for a lady,Three days before surgey I mowed a half acre of lawn with a push power mower in 90 degree heat.He said I was lucky I didn't die of heat stroke.
My day of surgery was surreal to me.In the first place I was to call in the night before for confirmation of the details.I forgot to call until a half hour late,and the girl told me she was just getting ready to call me.She told me I was to be at the Surgical Pavillion at 0530.I had thought it was 0730.I almost missed the party!
At this point I still had not decided I would actually go thru with it.I had halfway made up my mind and didn't care how it went either way.Surviving or dying,really didn't matter.At this point in life,I felt as if I had little to look forward too except a hard struggle to survive if I lived,and Paradise if I died.Believe me,I am ready for Paradise.But as my best friend would later say -"God ain't thru with you yet!"
At 4AM my wife, me and my love,Chloe-my picky Peke,left home and drove the forty miles to the hospital.I got there about five and told my wife to go home before the traffic started.I wanted her at home safe before I went into Lala Land!
At about 0630 they called me to the prep room.After changing into one of those beautiful hospital gowns with designer socks,several anesthesiologists started coming in to tell me how well they were gonna take care of me.One of the interns told me he was gonna give me a little relaxer.That was it.I don't remember leaving that room.About 17hours later I was on the phone with my wife.I don't have a clue what I told her.
Twelve days later I told Kotwal I couldn't stay another night and he agreed.
Posted by John W..